Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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