I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
