so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
