It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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