you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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