In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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