I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
