dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Randomize
