now i know why i became what i already was.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
