LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
