What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
