I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
