I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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