you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
