so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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