I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Holy shit dude........stairs
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
