the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
