i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
