I cannot find my penis.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
