I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
