Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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