I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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