I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
