12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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