his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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