Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
