i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize