The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
