Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
