There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
