yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
