He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
