Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
