why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
