I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
