Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
where are my eyebrows?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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