I think my fart just growled at me.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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