FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
