Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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