I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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