We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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