My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
