i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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