If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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