his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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