the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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