I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
