And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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