you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
