your parents love me but you hate me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
