If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize