It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
