I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
