Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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