What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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