my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You can't just leave with hair like that
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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