did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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