dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
