i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
