she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
