I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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