I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You are the jesus of drinking
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize