I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
