Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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