I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
