theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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