His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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