if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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