Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize