If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
